Final Fantasy IX Goes to Hogwarts
by Feathery Kuja
Summary: The title explains all. The Final Fantasy IX crew goes to Hogwarts and everything...gets weird.


Final Fantasy IX Goes to Hogwarts  
  
It was a fine day on Gaia when suddenly, the spirit of ugly Queen Brahne appeared to our heroes who were camping out in Kuja's deserted Desert Palace.  
  
Zidane: Hey, what the heck ever happened to Kuja?  
  
Garnet: Uh *shrugs*  
  
Zidane: Garnet, you should really learn some manners, you're like a cave man for God's sakes.  
  
Garnet: Oo! Oo! *grunts and runs off*  
  
Zidane: Hey, what the heck ever happened to Ku-  
  
Queen Brahne appeared out of no where.  
  
Zidane: Hey, get the heck out of our palace  
  
Amarant: Yeah, fat lady. You don't deserve the luxury we now have *Chews on old chicken bone*  
  
Brahne: Shut the heck up. I am here to give you a message. A very important message, at that.  
  
Steiner: What is it then?  
  
Brahne: Hoot hoot. *Imitates owl* I am here to tell you all that you have been chosen to attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.  
  
All: *Silent*  
  
Crickets chirp.  
  
Zidane: Boo! *Throws bag of chips* You SUCK!  
  
Brahne: *Glares* Fine. Then miss your magical educations for all I care! I'm just doing this because I'd be working at Home Depot otherwise!  
  
Garnet: *Crawls out from darkness* I already know magic, fat bag  
  
Brahne: No you don't  
  
Garnet: Yeah I do  
  
Brahne: *Zaps Garnet* Not any more  
  
Garnet: *Crawls back into shadows* You're right...  
  
Vivi: So when do we go?  
  
Brahne: Now  
  
Zidane: Okay...  
  
There is a flash of light and suddenly the Final Fantasy IX crew is standing in the middle of the Great Hall.  
  
All the Hogwarts kids and Staff: *Stare*  
  
All the Final Fantasy IX crew: *Stare back*  
  
Zidane: HELLO, EVERYBODY!!  
  
Harry Potter: Hi, doctor Ni-  
  
Ron Weasley: SHUT UP!!  
  
Dumbledore: Hello! Hello! You must be the, er... new students. *Mumbles* I wish they would tell us next time they're going to send over a bunch of freaks...  
  
McGonagall: Darn those Durmstranges  
  
Zidane: We're not freaks. We're just... skaerf  
  
Garnet: Whats' that?  
  
Zidane: Freaks backward  
  
Garnet: Oh...  
  
Dumbledore: Anyway, you're just in time for the sorting! Why dont' you all come up here!  
  
Final Fantasy IX Crew: *Walk up to the front of the Hall where a hat and a stool are placed*  
  
A random student: *Points at Steiner* That man is so old.  
  
Dumbledore: SHUT UP!  
  
McGonagall: Now, when I put this patched shapeless piece of fabric on your head it will tell you what house you are going to be sorted in. Any volunteers?  
  
Final Fantasy IX Crew: *Silent*  
  
McGonagall: Okay, then... how about the gay looking cross-dressser?  
  
Final Fantasy IX Crew: KUJA?  
  
Kuja: Not anymore! *Runs up a wall*  
  
McGonagall: Okay, maybe not... Then, you! Blonde kid with the tail!  
  
Zidnae: Uh?  
  
McGonagall: Yeah, you  
  
Zidane: Sweet! Haha, Garnet! I'm first, I'm firs-  
  
Garnet: *Punches nose*  
  
Zidane: Uh... *Walks up to stool*  
  
McGonagall: Okay, now this will only hurt for a minute... *Puts hat on Zidane's head*  
  
Zidane: AHHH! *Begins seizing*  
  
McGonagall: I was only joking...  
  
Sorting Hat: Ravenclaw!  
  
Ravenclaw table: BOO!  
  
Zidane: SHUT UP!  
  
Ravenclaw table: *Shuts up*  
  
Zidane goes and takes place at Ravenclaw table.  
  
McGonagall: Okay, next up. The forty-year-old in the rust infested armor.  
  
Steiner: *Grumbles*  
  
McGonagall: *Puts hat on*  
  
Sorting Hat: Gryffindor!  
  
Gryffindors: What the heck?  
  
Steiner: *Goes and sits at Gryffindor table*  
  
Eiko: *Begins jumping up and down* Me next! Me next!  
  
Quina: No! Me! *Swollows Eiko*  
  
McGonagall: Okay, why don't you both come up then...  
  
Sorting Hat: Hufflepuff!  
  
Quina: *Drooling* Mmm, creampuff...  
  
Hufflepuff Table: Yeah! We get the Pillsbury doughboy!  
  
Vivi walks up to be sorted.  
  
McGonagall: Hey, how old are you?  
  
Vivi: Uh... twenty-one  
  
McGonagall: Ok *Drops sorting hat over Vivi's hat*  
  
Sorting Hat: Uh... Slytherin!  
  
Vivi: WHAT?  
  
McGonagall: Eh, that's funny kid.  
  
Sound of someone hitting the floor heard behind them.  
  
McGonagall: Albus, maybe you should be putting in an add for a new Potions Master. I don't know how long he's going to last. I mean, this is his third heart- attack today...  
  
Unconscious pile: Uh...  
  
Dumbledore: Eh, I'll get someone on it right away....  
  
Vivi: *Walks off nearly frozen in shock* Did I almost kill that guy...?  
  
Some anonymous kid: *Belches* Heart attack  
  
McGonagall: Okay, now let's get this over with. You! Spoiled bratty looking girl!  
  
Garnet: *Bounces up to the hat happily*  
  
Sorting Hat: House Elves!  
  
The Sound of cheering from the basement can be heard  
  
Garnet: That's odd. I've never heard of that happening before.  
  
Draco Malfoy: Yeah, and you've never heard of Hogwarts either  
  
McGonagall: Only people with no potential at all go down to the House Elves.  
  
Garnet: Oh, ok... *Runs downstairs with tears in eyes*  
  
McGonagall: All right, on with the feast!  
  
The Next Day  
  
Zidane blinked as he entered a dark classroom that closely resembled a dungeon.  
  
Feathery Kuja: That's cause it is a dungeon  
  
Narrator who is also same person: Oh, whatever...  
  
Zidane: Hmm. I wonder what this class is...  
  
Suddenly a man in a dark billowing came bursts in  
  
Man in dark billowing cape: There will be no foolish wand waving or sill incantations in this cla- *Trips over Zidane who is standing in the middle of the room*  
  
Zidane: Oh, sorry.  
  
Man in dark billowing cape: SHUT UP! TWENTY POINTS FROM RAVENCLAW!  
  
Zidane: *Grins* You're fat  
  
Class: Oooh!  
  
Man in dark billowing cape: *Snarl* WHAT was that?!  
  
Zidane: You're fat and you know it! *Takes seat*  
  
Man in dark billowing cape: HOW DARE YOU CALL ME FAT! DIE, FREAK!  
  
Man in dark billowing cape begins to beat Zidane with a spongy. What's a spongy?  
  
Man in dark billowing cape: Okay, now let's get on with this  
  
Beaten Zidane: Ugh...  
  
Man in dark billowing cape: *Walks to front of class* Hello, class! *Cheery voice*  
  
Entire class exept Zidane: Hiya, Mr. Snape!  
  
Professor Snape: I can't HEAR you!  
  
Entire class exept for Zidane: HIYA, MR. SNAPE!  
  
Professor Snape: I STILL can't hear you  
  
Entire class exept for Zidane: HIYA MR. SNAPE!  
  
Professor Snape: Okay, that's better!  
  
Zidane: Hey, professor, are you okay?  
  
Professor Snape: What? Why do you say that?! *Twitches*  
  
Zidane: Uh... no reason.  
  
Meanwhile, in Vivi's class  
  
Vivi: Um, would you happen to know what class this is?  
  
Draco Malfoy: Uh, yeah, this is Herbology.  
  
Vivi: Really? Who's the teache-  
  
Sixty-year-old man bursts in wearing a long leopard skin coat  
  
Professor: Um... roight. First question! Where am I?  
  
Class: HERBOLOGY CLASS, PROFESSOR RICHARDS!  
  
Professor Richards: Why are you calling me that? My name is... my name is Keith. I think...  
  
Draco Malfoy: Uh, yeah it is  
  
Professor Richards: *Laughs drunkenly* I knew that...  
  
Draco Malfoy: Sure ya did  
  
Professor Richards: Roight, now let's get down to business. Herbology-- the study of musical polotics and--  
  
Draco Malfoy: Plants, Professor  
  
Professor Richards:-- and p-p-plants  
  
Harry Potter: Professor, are you drunk?  
  
Professor Richards: Uh, no...no...no...no...  
  
Draco Malfoy: You're repeating yourself again  
  
Professor Richards: no...no...no...what? Oh, yeah. Why don't we just... make a Joshua Tree for today. For that we're gonna call... gonna call the expert!  
  
Suddenly a man clad in black leather bursts in.  
  
Bono: I. Am. The expert.  
  
Professor Richards: Yay...  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, in Steiner's Class  
  
Steiner: *Walks up to student* Excuse me, but what class is this?  
  
Neville Longbottom: Ch-chess, sir...  
  
Steiner: There's a chess class now? Fantastic! Finally, someone has found some proper manners! Leave all that football and random nonsense behind!  
  
A skinny man with long black hair walks in.  
  
Class: Check mate, Professor Manson!  
  
Professor Manson: Shut...up...  
  
Class: Okay, Professor Manson!  
  
Professor Manson: I thought I told you to shut...up...  
  
Class: King me, Professor Manson!  
  
Professor Manson: SHUT THE THE HECK UP BEFORE I KILL YOU ALL!  
  
One random student: Knight to five, Professor Manson!  
  
A dart is seen flying of nowhere into the kid.  
  
One random student: No! NOT THE TRANUELIZERS AGA- *Falls down*  
  
Professor Manson: Hey... that wasn't supposed to happen.  
  
Steiner: *Gasp* That's totally barbaric!  
  
Professor Manson: SHUT THE HECK UP! I NEVER ASKED YOU, RUST BUCKET!  
  
Steiner: *Draws sword* I'm afraid I have no choice but to--  
  
Professor Manson: *Throws chess piece at Steiner's head*  
  
Steiner: HEY!  
  
Professor Manson: Haha...  
  
Steiner: *Lunges* I'LL KILL YOU!  
  
Professor Manson: Oh no you won't! *Snaps fingers*  
  
Another guy with black hair walks in.  
  
Trent Reznor: Hey, did someone call me--  
  
Steiner: *Throws chess piece back at Reznor*  
  
Trent Reznor: OW! THAT HURT, YOU FILTHY MEDIEVIL SLOB! *Lunges*  
  
Professor Manson: I feel left out... Lunges too*  
  
~Somewhere in the kitchens~  
  
Garnet: I. Hate. House elves.  
  
Dobby: Say you what Miss Garnetta?  
  
Garnet: *Fuming* I said... I HATE....HOUSE ELVES!!  
  
Dobby: Sorry I am, Miss Garnetta  
  
Garnet: AND STOP CALLING ME GARNETTA!!  
  
Dobby: Sorry I am, Miss Garnetta- *A dagger flies at his forehead*  
  
Winky: No! Anything but the Manson treatment for poor Dobby! Third time this week, it is!  
  
Garnet: SHUT THE HECK UP BEFORE I KILL YOU TOO!  
  
Winky: All right, Miss Garnetta!  
  
~Somewhere on the Grounds~  
  
Quina: I CHASE YOU I EAT YOU!!  
  
Hagrid: No! Get away from me, you beast from hell! *Runs behind bush*  
  
Quina: No... I hunting you now...  
  
'Hungry Like a Wolf' begins to play.  
  
Hagrid: NO!!!  
  
Eiko: Quina, can you lemme out now...?  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy IX, or Harry Potter. Um... I also don't own Marylin Manson, Trent Reznor, Keith Richards. Is that it? I think so... 


End file.
